How to Have a Threesome, Whether You’re Single or in a Relationship

Is the third time the charm? Add a third, and have a climax!

Today we're talking about everything in threes.

This beginner's guide has something for everyone, whether you're monogamous, monogamous-ish, open, polyamorous, single, dating, married, or somewhere in between.

What are the threesomes?

The definition of threesome is probably more ambiguous than you think.

Ready? A threesome is a sexual encounter between three people.

As defined by sex educator, psychotherapist, and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, sex is any meaningful act of pleasure that occurs in person or with the assistance of technology.

As a result, a threesome could be anything from an R-rated group chat or a three-way phone sex call to an oral sex chain or the Eiffel Tower.

What threesome isn't?

"Threesomes aren't a panacea for a broken relationship," says Stella Harris, certified intimacy educator and sex coach and author of "The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes."

"The added pressure of an extra person is likely to amplify any cracks in the stability of a pre-established relationship," she says.

"When there is an existing couple involved, that relationship must already be solid for threesomes to go smoothly," she adds.

A strong relationship is one in which you are able to:

• Discuss your accomplishments as well as your shortcomings.
• Hearing and feeling heard by your partner
• Believe in one another

What exactly is the point?

Consider this: a trio provides more hands, holes, and lips, as well as more scents, tastes, and sounds.

So the most common reason people have threesomes is to have fun.

But there are additional reasons. You might be interested in:

• To discover more about your sexual self
• To delve into your sexual or gender identity
• To make a dream come true
• To improve partner intimacy and communication

And, hey, taboos can be exciting!

Who has them — or wants to have them?

The gap between the number of people who want to have a threesome and those who actually have one is probably much larger than you've been led to believe.

Ready?

According to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex researcher and author of "Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life," 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men fantasise about having sex with more than one person, according to a survey of 4,175 adults.

Because the survey did not break down this fantasy into specifics, this figure could also include other forms of group sex.

Having said that, some research

According to a reliable source, only 10% of women and 18% of men have had a threesome. Sigh.

It's worth noting that neither the survey nor the 2017 study polled people of other genders.

Because we live in a sex-negative society, many people believe that threesomes are only for the kinkiest among us.

While there's nothing (!!) wrong with this, the truth is that group sex doesn't have to reveal anything about your personality.

Does it matter what gender, sex, or sexual orientation you are?

N-O-P-E!

You can enjoy a three-way regardless of your gender, sex, or sexuality.

"There's a widespread belief among straight men that you can't be in a threesome with another man and still be straight," says Shelby Ring, a sexuality advocate and lead educator at Ruby Riot Creatives (a boutique videography firm based in Charleston, South Carolina).

"However, you can have a threesome with another man and still be as straight as a door nail."

Historically, threesomes were named after the proportion of males and females in them.

These are some of the terms:

MMM stands for male-male-male.

FFF stands for female-female-female.

MFM stands for male-female-male.

FMF stands for female-male-female.

MMF stands for male-male-female.

FFM stands for female-female-male.

The terms "penis-owner" and "vagina-owner" are sometimes used to describe the composition of a threesome. PPV, for example, denotes a threesome consisting of a penis-owner, a penis-owner, and a vagina-owner.

These terms, however, can cause gender or genital dysphoria in people who do not feel connected to their genitals.

The genders of each person involved are the best way to describe the configuration of your threesome. Are you two nonbinary and one gender-fluid? Just say it!

How to broach the subject with your partner or FWB

A trio is not a puppy! You can't put it in a box with a bow under the Christmas tree, then pull it out in the middle of a romp and yell "surprise!"

Bringing a third person into the bedroom necessitates tact and open communication.

For example, you could say:

• "Babe, have you ever been in a threesome? Or how about a threesome?"
• "Last night, I had the hottest threesome dream involving you, me, and Ruby Rose. "Do you want me to tell you about it?"
• "I recently read an article about threesomes, and it made me think it would be a lot of fun to try it together. "Would you ever be interested in it?"

Another option is to watch an episode or movie with a threesome or group sex scene, then take a temperature.

Popular films and television shows with group-play representation include:

• “Sense 8”
• "The L Word"
• "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"
• “Easy”
• “House of Cards”
• “Elite”
• “Game of Thrones”

"Do you ever fantasise about doing that?" you might ask while watching. or "Have you ever wanted to do a threesome with me and someone else?"

Of course, if they're uncomfortable, read (!) the (!) room (!).

How to Determine Whether You're Ready for a Threesome

Harris suggests that you and your partner consider why you want to be a threesome before moving forward.

"Are your 'whys' in sync? "How do you feel after hearing their reasons?" she inquires.

You should also talk about your feelings about jealousy.

"Are you prone to feelings of jealousy or insecurity? "Are you at ease speaking up for yourself and your boundaries?" She continues.

"Keep in mind that multi-person play can end up putting pressure on any weak points in your confidence or relationship."

How to Locate and Approach the Other Members of Your Trio

This is determined by a number of factors, including whether you are looking with someone else or alone, as well as whether physical distancing orders have been lifted.

Use a dating app designed for threesome’s

"There are kink or open relationship dating apps that allow you to screen for people who are game for this kind of play before making your approach," Harris says.

Among the most popular threesome dating apps are:

• Feeld
• #Open
• 3Somer
• 3Fun

Alternatively, use another dating app with courtesy

There are, of course, other dating apps.

If you use an app not specifically designed for group sex, Harris advises you to "be transparent that you're dating as a couple, or that you're single and looking to join a couple."

Attend an in-person or online sex party

"These kinds of proposals typically feel pretty natural in a sexually charged environment, such as a sex club or play party," Harris says.

Google will help you find sex clubs near you. Look up "sex club in [insert city here]."

Ask the educators at your local feminist sex shop to help you find a local play party.

Check out apps like Bloom

Examine your polycule

If you're polyamorous, you should look in your non-monogamous network! A polycule that plays together stays together, as the saying goes...

You could say:

• "My other partner thinks you're stunning, and we were wondering if you'd be interested in sleeping with both of us?"
• "Do you know who my other partner is? We're interested in forming a threesome. "Do you think that's something you'd be interested in?"

Don't limit your discussion to the potential trio

"Make sure to show an interest in the potential third beyond just sex," Harris advises, whether in person or online.

Instead of jumping right into threesome talk, spend some time getting to know them.

"You want to find people you can talk to and not just fool around with," she says.

Before things get heated, set expectations

"Clarity is essential before you start playing," Ring says.

She suggests going over the following topics before taking off your clothes:

• Status of STI
• The sex acts that are considered "acceptable sex acts"
• The birth control methods that will be used and who will use them
• The barrier methods that will be used, who will use them, and when
• The three-desired way's frequency
• Whether the three-way has the potential to evolve into a (romantic) triad
• Where everyone will sleep following the threesome
• The kinds of interactions you'll have in the days, weeks, and months following the trio

"While these discussions may be uncomfortable at first, the more clarity you have, the better," Ring adds.

Furthermore, having these clear communications up front may be a great way to gauge the emotional intelligence of others.

"If someone becomes extremely reactive when discussing off-limit sex acts or flares up at the thought of having to get STI tested, that's a red flag."

When you're ready to go

There is only one rule for group play: Everyone involved must feel safe, comfortable, and respected, and this must be encouraged.

Beyond that, it is entirely up to you to decide who touches whom, when, how, and in what order.

Be straightforward

Wondering how to transition from discussing the weather to discussing how wet (or hard) you all are? Harris advises being direct.

"Sometimes being direct is the best way to get there," she says. "You could say something like, 'Would you like to go upstairs/to the bedroom?' or 'May I kiss you now?'"

"You don't need to be coy at this point as long as everyone knows the plan is for a threesome." Fair.

Allow the more experienced person to take the lead

Has anyone in the group ever played a threesome? Harris suggests handing over control to them.

"If someone in the group has more experience, everyone should agree to let them take the lead."

Communicate consistently

According to Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg The Patriarchy, constant communication is essential for pleasurable two-person play as well as three-person play.

Here are some possible follow-up questions:

• "How does this make you feel?"
• "Do you prefer it this way [performs one type of touch/lick/bite] or this way [performs another]?"
• "How's it going, baby?"

As needed, follow-up care

Some people are fine with a quick check-in before heading out the door. Others want to cuddle or take a shower. After the third leaves, some couples want to Talk It Out.

There is no such thing as a bad post-threesome move. However, you must be mindful of everyone's emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

"Like most things, the only way to know if you're on the same page is to ask," Harris says.

You could say:

• "Is anyone in need of water or food?"
• "How do everyone's muscles, genitals, and energy levels look? "Does anyone require ice, a heating pad, lubricant, or some water?"
• "How are you emotionally feeling?"
• "What's on your mind?"

"You can also check in with your threesome group the next day and invite any conversations that have occurred now that the sexy dust has settled," Matatas suggests.

Threesome terminology to know before your first time

Sure, you could use Siri to ask, "What does DP mean?" You could also look at the short threesome term sheet below.

Unicorn

A unicorn is an omnisexual (pansexual or bisexual) person willing to hook up with both members of a pre-existing couple in a no-strings-attached three-way.

Historically, the term referred only to bisexual women, but it has since been expanded to include all eager thirds.

Guest appearance

Often used interchangeably with unicorn, the term guest star implies that the third (who is not a member of the established couple) will receive the majority of the attention.

The Daisy Chain

The three-person version of 69-ing is daisy chaining. It entails everyone giving and receiving oral sex at the same time.

Penetration on two levels

Any sex act in which one person fills one or more orifices — anus, vagina, or mouth — with two things.

Penises, dildos, ball gags, butt plugs, other sex toys, or fingers could all be included.

Vaginal Penetration Twice

This occurs when a vaginal owner's vaginal canal is simultaneously filled by two penises, two dildos, or one of each.